Saturday, March 21, 2015

1:29 AM & it still hurts

it’s been four months since that monday
four months since that monday

and i’ve never been a fan of mondays.

but the tears rolling down my face every night make it hard to believe
that it’s been four months since i’ve heard you say my name

it’s still hard to believe that it’s been four months 
because my heart still hurts like it was yesterday
and my hand still feels empty without yours in it.

and every monday 
i still wonder if curfew is the only thing that pulls her away from you each night,
i still wonder if you grab her waist and pull her back one last time
just like you used to when curfew made me leave.

it still hurts like it was yesterday
but i’ll keep telling everyone i’m over you.

i think i forgot the sound of your voice and that hurts more than anything
i keep looking over my shoulder 
because maybe if i turn around enough times 

you’ll be standing there

it will be november again
and i won’t be wondering about her

it will be november
and you’ll grab my hand
like yours was made to fit

because it was.

i’m over you.
i’m over you.

i hope they believe me and i hope someday monday doesn’t hurt so bad

i’m over you


and maybe someday i’ll believe it myself.



Sunday, March 8, 2015

this isn't about graduation

taxes are due on april 15
resolutions begin on january 1
presents are opened on december 25
candy is passed out on october 31
everything’s green on march 17
fireworks and freedom on july 4
love on february 14

caps and gowns and diplomas on may 28.
it’s marked on my calendar just like any normal holiday
as if it’s something to celebrate

but this isn’t about graduation.

we’ve been here for three years 
but have any of us ever stopped to read the quotes on the walls?
hallways that sound like headaches
and classrooms too crowded to be anything short of lonely

but this isn’t about high school.

my mom still does my laundry,
and i couldn’t tell you the first thing about cooking
or ironing

but this isn’t about graduation or anything that might come after.

i remember when the only people who laid down on train tracks were cartoons
and the word “suicide” didn’t make me cringe.
i remember when summer meant sidewalk chalk and sprinklers under trampolines
and the word “college” didn’t make my hands sweat.
i remember when the future was still twelve grades away 
and the word “senior” was irrelevant.

but this isn’t about kindergarten.
and it’s not about graduation.

this is about may 28 and the 81 days standing between here and there
this is about the 81 days.

this is about 81 days and the fact that my ears can’t hear anything past the 2:15 bell
and my nose can only smell bittersweet.
this is about 81 days and i never thought i’d be the one chanting ‘senior year’ at the last black light dance.

but here i am
and here we are.
81 days.